"Taming One Another"
Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker
First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh
February 9, 2014
I can't say for sure when the actual "taming" began between us in
earnest. But, I reckon that our
"beginning" occurred one sunny Sunday morning in September 2011, when
we encountered each other under a metaphorical apple tree.
I had met with Rev.[David] Herndon in August at
Eat n’ Park to get acquainted and came through the Morewood Street entrance a
couple weeks later. Shelley Ross greeted me warmly and she will always be my
wonderful first impression of this congregation. I raised my hand when the
liturgist asked who was visiting for the first time and I felt butterflies in
my stomach. I was a newcomer (and a stealth minister at that point). How would
it all unfold?
Then I joined the Folk Orchestra and
experienced the joy of making music with Emily and Ward and MR and Sandy, and so many others. I attended
Womanspirit dinners and felt like I had won the lottery! And then, February
2012 brought a somewhat spontaneous sabbatical for Rev. Herndon and the taming
between us picked up steam.I didn't know it then, but what you
were asking me, tentatively at
first, was, "Will you tame us?" and "Will you allow yourself to
be tamed?"
We have been called into relationship, you and
I; and I've learned quite a lot about taming since that
auspicious beginning. I came here less than 3 years ago as a relative stranger
and you’ve made room for me in this Sanctuary, in your homes, in your visions
and dreams, your fears and regrets.You've shared your meals with me, music with
me, your frustrations, your worries, your joy, your lemon squares and soups,
your remarkable talents ( as quilters and guitar players and activists and
cook-it-forward cooks), your considerable humor, and your justifiable pride as members of this
community.
As
I sat in the late afternoon quiet of my study this week, leafing through my
computer files of newsletters and other saved materials, I was amazed by how much I've already come to know you, your lives, and your
connections here. I've
witnessed the signing of the membership book by many newcomers, and I’ve listened while you've shared
your stories-- living with a disability, parenting a special needs child,
facing a life-threatening illness or financial hardship, embracing retirement,
coping with the loss of a spouse , blazing new professional paths, rejoicing over a new marriage or
grieving the end of one, and
celebrating new professional opportunities and achievements.
In our retreats and Adult Faith Development offerings, we’ve
explored who we are as individuals, both in our primary relationships, and as a
congregation, grappling with how to get out of the grip that closes our hearts
and minds as we think about how to grow a beloved and more multicultural community here in Shadyside.
Even so,
I've been mindful of the fact that relationships are not easy or
instantaneous. They are
notoriously difficult to establish and maintain. Marriage, kinship, friendship,
business and pastoral bonds ..they require intention, faith, risk-taking, love,
forgiveness, loyalty, and self exposure.
In
the Little Prince vignette which
I shared earlier this morning, we witness the evolution of a
"taming" as a wise fox under an apple tree teaches a curious boy what
is required to be in relationship with him; what it means to tamed, bonded,
kindred, connected. The philosopher Martin Buber would likely
approve of the outcome between the boy and the creature. He would call it an
"I-thou" relationship;
one that is mutual, reciprocal, and genuine. One that creates a
"circle of caring." And
we can learn so very much, glean so much usable truth, from this seemingly simple tale.
First,
from this story, we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES RISK-TAKING.
The fox takes a risk by inviting the
Little Prince to tame him, to establish ties with him, and the boy takes an
equal risk by agreeing. Establishing ties is risky business, and as the fox
explains, "it is an act too often neglected." But the risks and the
labor of establishing ties are worth it because being in relationship, true relationship, transforms us.
A
colleague once said, "A ship
is safe in a harbor, but that is not what a ship is for. The same applies to
us. We are here to take risks. The kind of risks we accept knowingly and
voluntarily, risks we run in order to live our lives the way we feel we should
live them, to pursue the goals we have set for ourselves, the ideas to which we
devote ourselves.
Foremost among them is the risk we take when we
love. We cannot live without loving others, and each time we love someone we
take a risk, the risk of being rejected. We cannot live without trusting others
and each time we trust somebody we take a risk of making ourselves vulnerable
to the misuse of that trust. " (Rev. G. Peter Fleck)
My hope is that the risks we (Rev. Herndon and
I) take in our relationships here, as minister and congregation, will embolden
us to take important, sometimes scary risks in our other primary relationships -- with partners, family members, friends,
colleagues, with one another here at First Unitarian, with strangers or “the
other” we encounter. That we might
strive in every relationship
to become trusting and vulnerable, to love kindness, to act gratefully, to be
compassionate. That we might develop a deeper capacity to
apologize and forgive, to laugh and weep, to speak the truth to others, as we
know it, in love, to value one
another's uniqueness.
To
tame or to be tamed, one must be willing to take risks.
Second,
we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES PATIENCE AND INTENTION.
"You must be very patient,"
explains the Fox. "First you will sit a little distance from me, like
that, in the grass. I will look at you out of the corner of my eye. You will
say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstanding. But you will sit closer
to me everyday."I say to you (and you, in turn, might say to
others): “If you let me, I will sit closer to you everyday, but I will come
only as close as you wish; abiding in silence and in words, in humor and in
tears. I welcome your trust and I will not abuse it.”
It
takes time to move closer on the
grass, so let's endeavor to be patient. As Ralph Waldo Emerson suggests,
"It is foolish to plant an acorn in the morning and expect to rest in the
shade of an oak in the afternoon." We mustn't be hurried in matters of the
heart and spirit. Yet, "taming," like loving and
caring, is a verb; it is active. It takes discipline, intention. In my view,
there are three vital intentions that we must consider and then embrace when we establish ties --
One, we must truly want to love and figure out how. Two, we must
find an opening through which our love can flow into the life of another; and
three, we must become unhurried in the taming. It is nearly impossible to be
attentive and really be present when we're rushing around or pushing the river.
That's what the Little Prince means when he says, "It is the time that I have wasted on my rose that makes my rose so important."
Wasted?" It's fascinating to me that
St. Exupery chose the word "waste," instead of more noble verbs like
"devote" or expend" to describe the Little Prince's
care-taking of his rose. We've
been conditioned to abhor the concept of wasting time -- in our fast-paced,
throw-away culture, it conjures up an image of non-productive slacking. So what does it mean to "waste time" on
relationships? I believe it implies time freely given and unmeasured, even when
its inconvenient, with the awareness that without this "wasted time" we
are not truly important to one another, we are not tamed.
To tame or to be tamed , one must be willing to be patient and
intentional. One must be willing to waste time.
Third, from our tale, we learn that RELATIONSHIP
REQUIRES DEPENDABILITY.
The Little Prince comes back the
next day and the Fox tells him, "It would have been better if you had come
at the same hour. One must observe the proper rituals." (more actions too
often neglected!) As one of your minister, you should feel
assured that you count on me (and on Rev. Herndon) to be there for you, to
return your phone calls and emails, to show up, to listen and respond, to serve as an oasis of for you in
times of crisis, to observe the
proper rituals of our relationship.
During my student ministry in Wayland, MA when a parishioner would
apologize for bothering me with some dilemma, I'd reply, "Bother me!
Please bother me! You are why I'm here. You are why I'm a minister!"
To tame or to be tamed, one must be willing to
be dependable and present. One must be willing to be "bothered."
Fourth, we learn that RELATIONSHIP
REQUIRES BEING KNOWN.
The Fox doesn't mince words when he tells the
boy, "To me you are nothing more than a little boy who is just like a
hundred thousand other little boys, and I have no need of you. And to you, I am
nothing more than a Fox who is just like a hundred thousand other foxes, and
you, on your part, have no need of me. But if you tame me, we shall need each other,
To me, you shall be unique in all the world; and to you, I shall be unique in
all the world." The fox wants
to be known and to know the Little Prince. "One only understands the
things that one tames," he remarks, " If you want a friend, tame
me."
To be sure, "genuine relationships will
not allow us our secure hiding places, and in that sense, they are
costly," writes the Rev. Marilyn Sewall. "They will cost us the image
of the person we imagine ourselves to be. But this is the pay off -- they will
inevitably bring forth more of who we really are and make us more fully alive,
more available to the world. They will bring forth the strength and goodness
and beauty that already reside within."
In the story, when the Prince decides to move
on, the Fox is understandably sad and he cries, causing the lad to remark that
the taming has done the creature no good at all. But, once again, the wise fox
knows better. Being in authentic and safe relationships, even those which end,
transforms us and makes us unique in all the world to others. And that does us
a great deal of good. We live by the grace of being known to others,
lovingly. We give life to others by knowing them, lovingly. This epitomizes
reciprocity, a mutuality of knowing. There is "I and Thou." which
upholds life and creates a circle of caring. All of the Valentine’s Day cards, candy,
Pandora charm bracelets, ticklish teddy bears that sing silly songs, or rose bouquets in the Universe
will not magically or instantaneously conjure up this relational alchemy.
To tame or to be tamed, one must be willing to
be known enough, exposed enough, bonded
enough, to become unique in all the world to another.
And
finally, we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES HEART.
Back
in September of 2000, my then 10-year-old daughter Michaela gave me a fortune
cookie fortune taped to a piece of white note paper -- it reads: "The
heart is wiser than the intellect." I took that with me when I went before the Ministerial
Fellowship Committee at the UUA, I carried it in my pocket during my candidating week for my first
settlement in Reading, MA , and I have it with me today to remind me that
ministry is heart-centered calling and that congregations are heart-centered communities.
The Jewish wisdom text tells us: "God
wants heart." Surely, that is
what we want most from one another, as well...heart. Being in relationship,
being "tamed" means having your heart open -- sometimes that means
having it broken
open. The fox, a furry Zen Master to the end, shares a secret to that effect with the
boy and by association, with us, here in this Sanctuary. "Its a very
simple secret," he explains..."It is only with the heart that one can
see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." "What is essential is invisible to the
eye," repeated the Little Prince so that he would be sure to remember.
At this point in the story, the lad is preparing to move on to his next adventure.
For us, there is a no leave-taking on the horizon, and the taming will continue
and the relationship will deepen. How I welcome that and honor the gift of
that.
To tame or be tamed, one must be willing to
take risks, to be patient, intentional, and dependable, to be bothered and
known, and to open one's heart. In every relationship, we must ask ourselves if
we are willing. I am. How about you?
We
have time for getting the taming right; for practicing it with one another and
with others. Yes, we will likely make some mistakes with each other. We are
human, after all. We may disappoint , we may misinterpret, we may not handle every situation just
so...but I can promise you, that I will abide. I will show up, I will foster
joy, I will open my heart, I will
take this and other tamings in my life seriously. And I ask you to do the same, with me and with one another,
and with all of those who meet you under that metaphorical apple tree.
And, I'll strive to always remember (and I hope you will,
too) the myriad ways in which our time together, here at First Unitarian, will
bring the Little Prince's secret to life: that the quality of caring which is
essential to community, essential
to all of our relationships, and
essential to a shared ministry is
invisible to the eye, but that it is seen rightly and clearly by the heart.
"People have forgotten this truth," warns the Fox,
"but you must not forget it. You become responsible forever for what you
have tamed. You are responsible for your rose." "I become responsible forever for my
rose," repeated the Little Prince to himself so he would be sure to
remember.
"I become responsible forever for what I
have tamed." repeated this mother, friend, colleague, partner, and
minister, carefully
and gladly to herself,
so she would never, ever forget.
May it be so.
Blessed be and Amen.
© 2014 Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker. All
rights reserved. Rev. Zucker and cited authors/sources may be quoted with
proper attribution.
