Taming One Another: The Fox, The Little Prince, and Us. A Sermon Towards Valentine's Day

"Taming One Another"

Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker

First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh

February 9, 2014

I can't say for  sure when the actual "taming" began between us in earnest.  But, I reckon that our "beginning" occurred one sunny Sunday morning in September 2011, when we encountered each other under a metaphorical apple tree.

I had met with Rev.[David] Herndon in August at Eat n’ Park to get acquainted and came through the Morewood Street entrance a couple weeks later. Shelley Ross greeted me warmly and she will always be my wonderful first impression of this congregation. I raised my hand when the liturgist asked who was visiting for the first time and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I was a newcomer (and a stealth minister at that point). How would it all unfold?

Then I joined the Folk Orchestra and experienced the joy of making music with Emily and Ward and MR and Sandy,  and so many others. I attended Womanspirit dinners and felt like I had won the lottery! And then, February 2012 brought a somewhat spontaneous sabbatical for Rev. Herndon and the taming between us picked up steam.I didn't know it then, but what you were  asking me, tentatively at first, was, "Will you tame us?" and "Will you allow yourself to be tamed?"

We have been called into relationship, you and I; and  I've learned quite  a lot about taming since that auspicious beginning. I came here less than 3 years ago as a relative stranger and you’ve made room for me in this Sanctuary, in your homes, in your visions and dreams, your fears and regrets.You've shared your meals with me, music with me, your frustrations, your worries, your joy, your lemon squares and soups, your remarkable talents ( as quilters and guitar players and activists and cook-it-forward cooks), your considerable humor,  and your justifiable pride as members of this community. 

As I sat in the late afternoon quiet of my study this week, leafing through my computer files of newsletters and other saved materials, I was amazed  by  how much I've already come to know you, your lives, and your connections here. I've witnessed the signing of the membership book by many newcomers,  and I’ve listened while you've shared your stories-- living with a disability, parenting a special needs child, facing a life-threatening illness or financial hardship, embracing retirement, coping with the loss of a spouse , blazing new  professional paths, rejoicing over a new marriage or grieving the end of one,   and celebrating new professional opportunities and achievements.

In our retreats and Adult Faith Development offerings, we’ve explored who we are as individuals, both in our primary relationships, and as a congregation, grappling with how to get out of the grip that closes our hearts and minds as we think about how to grow a beloved and  more multicultural community here in Shadyside.

Even so,  I've been mindful of the fact that relationships are not easy or instantaneous.  They are notoriously difficult to establish and maintain. Marriage, kinship, friendship, business and pastoral bonds ..they require intention, faith, risk-taking, love, forgiveness, loyalty, and self exposure.

In the Little Prince vignette which  I shared earlier this morning, we witness the evolution of a "taming" as a wise fox under an apple tree teaches a curious boy what is required to be in relationship with him; what it means to tamed, bonded, kindred, connected. The philosopher Martin Buber would likely approve of the outcome between the boy and the creature. He would call it an "I-thou" relationship;   one that is mutual, reciprocal, and genuine. One that creates a "circle of caring."  And we can learn so very much, glean so much usable truth,  from this seemingly simple tale.

First, from this story, we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES RISK-TAKING. 

The fox takes a risk by inviting the Little Prince to tame him, to establish ties with him, and the boy takes an equal risk by agreeing. Establishing ties is risky business, and as the fox explains, "it is an act too often neglected." But the risks and the labor of establishing ties are worth it because being in relationship, true relationship,  transforms us.

 A colleague once said,  "A ship is safe in a harbor, but that is not what a ship is for. The same applies to us. We are here to take risks. The kind of risks we accept knowingly and voluntarily, risks we run in order to live our lives the way we feel we should live them, to pursue the goals we have set for ourselves, the ideas to which we devote ourselves.

Foremost among them is the risk we take when we love. We cannot live without loving others, and each time we love someone we take a risk, the risk of being rejected. We cannot live without trusting others and each time we trust somebody we take a risk of making ourselves vulnerable to the misuse of that trust. " (Rev. G. Peter Fleck)

My hope is that the risks we (Rev. Herndon and I) take in our relationships here, as minister and congregation, will embolden us to take important, sometimes scary risks in our other primary relationships --  with partners, family members, friends, colleagues, with one another here at First Unitarian, with strangers or “the other” we encounter.  That we might strive in every relationship to become trusting and vulnerable, to love kindness, to act gratefully, to be compassionate. That we might develop a deeper capacity to apologize and forgive, to laugh and weep, to speak the truth to others, as we know it,  in love, to value one another's uniqueness. 

To tame or to be tamed, one must be willing to take risks.

Second, we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES PATIENCE AND INTENTION. 

"You must be very patient," explains the Fox. "First you will sit a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I will look at you out of the corner of my eye. You will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstanding. But you will sit closer to me everyday."I say to you (and you, in turn, might say to others): “If you let me, I will sit closer to you everyday, but I will come only as close as you wish; abiding in silence and in words, in humor and in tears. I welcome your trust and I will not abuse it.”

 It takes time  to move closer on the grass, so let's endeavor to be patient. As Ralph Waldo Emerson suggests, "It is foolish to plant an acorn in the morning and expect to rest in the shade of an oak in the afternoon." We mustn't be hurried in matters of the heart and spirit. Yet, "taming," like loving and caring, is a verb; it is active. It takes discipline, intention. In my view, there are three vital intentions that we must consider and then embrace  when we establish ties --

One, we must truly want to love and figure out how. Two, we must find an opening through which our love can flow into the life of another; and three, we must become unhurried in the taming. It is nearly impossible to be attentive and really be present when we're rushing around or pushing the river. That's what the Little Prince means when he says,  "It is the time that I have wasted  on my rose that makes my rose so important." 

Wasted?" It's fascinating to me that St. Exupery chose the word "waste," instead of more noble verbs like "devote" or expend" to describe the Little Prince's care-taking  of his rose. We've been conditioned to abhor the concept of wasting time -- in our fast-paced, throw-away culture, it conjures up an image of non-productive slacking. So what does it mean to "waste time" on relationships? I believe it implies time freely given and unmeasured, even when its inconvenient, with the awareness that without this "wasted time" we are not truly important to one another, we are not tamed.

To tame or to be tamed  , one must be willing to be patient and intentional. One must be willing to waste time.

Third, from our tale, we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES DEPENDABILITY. 

The Little Prince  comes back the next day and the Fox tells him, "It would have been better if you had come at the same hour. One must observe the proper rituals." (more actions too often neglected!) As one of your minister, you should feel assured that you count on me (and on Rev. Herndon) to be there for you, to return your phone calls and emails, to show up, to listen and respond,  to serve as an oasis of for you in times of crisis,  to observe the proper rituals of our relationship.  During my student ministry in Wayland, MA when a parishioner would apologize for bothering me with some dilemma, I'd reply, "Bother me! Please bother me! You are why I'm here. You are why I'm a minister!"

To tame or to be tamed, one must be willing to be dependable and present. One must be willing to be "bothered." 

Fourth, we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES BEING KNOWN.

The Fox doesn't mince words when he tells the boy, "To me you are nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys, and I have no need of you. And to you, I am nothing more than a Fox who is just like a hundred thousand other foxes, and you, on your part, have no need of me. But if you tame me, we shall need each other, To me, you shall be unique in all the world; and to you, I shall be unique in all the world." The fox  wants to be known and to know the Little Prince. "One only understands the things that one tames," he remarks, " If you want a friend, tame me."

To be sure, "genuine relationships will not allow us our secure hiding places, and in that sense, they are costly," writes the Rev. Marilyn Sewall. "They will cost us the image of the person we imagine ourselves to be. But this is the pay off -- they will inevitably bring forth more of who we really are and make us more fully alive, more available to the world. They will bring forth the strength and goodness and beauty that already reside within."

In the story, when the Prince decides to move on, the Fox is understandably sad and he cries, causing the lad to remark that the taming has done the creature no good at all. But, once again, the wise fox knows better. Being in authentic and safe relationships, even those which end, transforms us and makes us unique in all the world to others. And that does us a great deal of good. We live by the grace of being known to others, lovingly. We give life to others by knowing them, lovingly. This epitomizes reciprocity, a mutuality of knowing. There is "I and Thou." which upholds life and creates a circle of caring. All of the Valentine’s Day cards, candy, Pandora charm bracelets, ticklish teddy bears that sing silly songs, or rose bouquets in the Universe will not magically or instantaneously conjure up this relational alchemy.

To tame or to be tamed, one must be willing to be known enough, exposed enough,  bonded enough, to become unique in all the world to another. 

And finally, we learn that RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES HEART.

Back in September of 2000, my then 10-year-old daughter Michaela gave me a fortune cookie fortune taped to a piece of white note paper -- it reads: "The heart is wiser than the intellect." I took that with me  when I went before the Ministerial Fellowship Committee at the UUA, I carried it in my pocket during  my candidating week for my first settlement in Reading, MA , and I have it with me today to remind me that ministry is heart-centered calling and that  congregations are heart-centered communities.

The Jewish wisdom text tells us: "God wants heart."  Surely, that is what we want most from one another, as well...heart. Being in relationship, being "tamed" means having your heart open -- sometimes that means having it broken open.  The fox, a furry Zen Master to the end,  shares a secret to that effect with the boy and by association, with us, here in this Sanctuary. "Its a very simple secret," he explains..."It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye." "What is essential is invisible to the eye," repeated the Little Prince so that he would be sure to remember.

At this point in the story, the lad  is preparing to move on to his next adventure. For us, there is a no leave-taking on the horizon, and the taming will continue and the relationship will deepen. How I welcome that and honor the gift of that. 

To tame or be tamed, one must be willing to take risks, to be patient, intentional, and dependable, to be bothered and known, and to open one's heart. In every relationship, we must ask ourselves if we are  willing.  I am. How about you?

We have time for getting the taming right; for practicing it with one another and with others. Yes, we will likely make some mistakes with each other. We are human, after all. We may disappoint , we may misinterpret, we  may not handle every situation just so...but I can promise you, that I will abide. I will show up, I will foster joy, I will open my heart,  I will take this and other tamings in my life seriously.  And I ask you to do the same, with me and with one another, and with all of those who meet you under that metaphorical apple tree.

And, I'll strive to always remember (and I hope you will, too) the myriad ways in which our time together, here at First Unitarian, will bring the Little Prince's secret to life: that the quality of caring which is essential  to community, essential to all of our relationships,  and essential to a shared ministry  is invisible to the eye, but that it is seen rightly and clearly by the heart.

"People have forgotten this truth," warns the Fox, "but you must not forget it. You become responsible forever for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose." "I become responsible forever for my rose," repeated the Little Prince to himself so he would be sure to remember.

"I become responsible forever for what I have tamed." repeated this mother, friend, colleague, partner, and minister, carefully and gladly to herself, so she would never, ever forget.

May it be so.

Blessed be and Amen.

©  2014 Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker. All rights reserved. Rev. Zucker and cited authors/sources may be quoted with proper attribution.

Letterboxing:Getting Lost and Found in the New Year

Letterboxing: Getting Lost and Found in the New Year

Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker

First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh

January 5, 2014

First, find the Biddle Building on S. Braddock Ave,  and park in the lot next to the tennis courts. 

Locate the trail sign that says Braddock Trail. Facing the sign go left or south down the trail. Stay on the main path. Walk until you get to a paved road. Cross the road and continue on the path. Follow for about 100 yards from the road around a sharp bend in trail. There is a drainage pipe sticking out of rocks below right side of trail.

A little further up the trail on the left side of the path you will find a double tree with knarled roots. With your feet standing on the path, put your back to the double tree and walk 20 paces into the woods. Look for the tall solo standing tree on the edge of the hill. On the back side of the tree look down and you will find what you seek. 

These are the clues for the East Ridge letterbox, placed on  May 14, 2005 by someone who calls herself “Pink Cat.” The box is actually a sealed Tupperware container. Inside is a Ziploc freezer bag holding a small journal, several writing implements, a stamp of a sassy cat face and a stamp pad with shocking pink ink (no surprise there, Pink Cat!).

I recall my goofy joy in finding my very first letterbox that day, in the fall of 2012. I lay my jacket on the ground and sat down on it, crosslegged, next to the tree.  I stamped my little letterboxing journal with her cat stamp and noted where I found the box and some personal reflections on the day and the experience. I lifted the journal out of the bag and  was moved to read the many touching entries, dating back to 2005 -- some funny, some poignant, some lonely, some zesty, some simple and sweet.

The stamps that accompanied the entries were equally diverse and quirky – alter egos or symbols of the person we perceive ourselves to be, the one we’d like to show to the world, but don’t or won’t.  Who knows what these individuals can or will share about themselves in plain sight, because that is so much harder to do.

 I wrote my own entry in the book, stamped it with my stamp of a bird covered in poetry text (no surprise there either, hm?) and placed it back in its hiding place.

The East Ridge box is one of more than 100 boxes in Southwestern PA alone. Throughout the world (especially in Dartmoor, England),  there are virtually thousands. Letterboxers like me are heading into the woods or onto the moors, into the desert and up mountainsides, clues in hand, journals and stamps and pens in tow; orienteering our way to hidden treasures.

One thing I love about this hobby, which dates back to the 1850’s , is  that boxes are hidden, (or “planted” in letterboxing jargon) not buried. An important distinction.  You have to work to find them but the process doesn’t exhaust you. The pursuit is not meant to frustrate you or make you feel stupid or small. 

No wonder I saw a sermon in this years ago!  Like so much in our human lives, what we seek can be hidden, or at least obscured, by branches of fear or rock piles of regrets, twists in the road we had not expected or fuzzy self awareness. And especially in early January – during the annual resolutionpalooza, let’s add -- too many unrealistic  “expectations.”  Hmm - “expectations,” or what one of my witty and wise colleagues calls “pre-meditated resentments.” As a result, we can get even more lost when we yearn to be found. And we can make ourselves feel small or stupid in the process.

The productive, spiritual practice of getting lost asks us to take risks, to meander off the beaten path, to order our steps with what we might consider moral or just, and to pay close attention to the clues that lead us into the woods (sometimes dark or shadowy), then to places of discovery, and ultimately, into a dappled clearing.

One aspect of letterboxing that especially appeals to me is that it take place in the woods – my favorite environment.  The woods are a natural place of beauty and serenity and landscapes that often harmonize with one another gracefully - drumlins and ponds and stands of hardwood trees; beaver dams and high hawk nests.

The woods have also served in lore and legend and dream psychology and on Broadway as a metaphor for the unknown and the subconscious. I read that if you dream about heading into the woods, this may suggest a need to open yourself up to discovering your potential and your instinctual nature. To dream that you are walking through the woods may signify your return to an aspect of yourself that is innocent and spiritual. If you are walking out of the woods, then the dream may be a literal depiction of being in the clear of some situation. To dream that you are lost in the woods may indicate that you are starting a new phase in your life. And, you may be expressing some anxiety about leaving behind what is familiar to you.
This interpretation of being lost in the woods is the most hopeful, I think – the notion that you are starting a new phase, even with the inherent anxiety. Heading into the unknown, trusting our instincts, and drawing on inner resources to find our way through, takes sustained effort beyond the enthusiastic, well-meaning January resolution adrenaline rush.
This becomes all too apparent  when we find ourselves, not slightly off the trail, but  painfully lost in the forest of the world. Bhagavatam speaks of this in the reading we heard earlier – “We go round and round in the forest, unable to find our way out, until some kind traveler, some mahatma, reveals it to us.”
As I’ve preached before , I’m here, as a fellow traveler, not as a “mahatma” but as one of your ministers, to shine a flashlight on the path so you don’t trip quite so much. But, as Bhagavatam reminds us: May we each carry a lamp into dark places, for we too, have been lonely and without a light.”
Most likely, many of us have experienced hard times when we literally couldn’t see the forest for the trees. We’ve gotten lost in addictions or vanity or our own narcissistic bubbles. Perhaps, we’ve gotten lost in long-standing, embedded beliefs about who we’re supposed to be or how life is supposed to go.  We find ourselves deeper into the woods, so far off the trail that it’s hard to find a blaze or a clue that could get us oriented back towards our true North.
Addictions and self-absorption and meanness and emotional disconnection are clues that we have in fact, lost our way and need to pay attention. Too often, the way we deal with the recognition that we are lost and attention must be paid is through making of those well-intentioned New Year’s resolutions. 
I had considered calling this January 5^th sermon “Deeper not Different,” because it’s nearly impossible to become a completely different person, no matter what we resolve.There are no personality or temperament transplants that I know of. Sometimes we get lost in the belief that we will wake up “different” because we do 100 crunches everyday or stop eating a particular food. Better health or housing, more money or a new partner can improve our circumstances and relieve pressure. Yet, in  the light of day, we are still us.
Other times, we can get lost in the idea that volunteering four hours per week or focusing more on our important relationships will magically expunge our flaws and make us virtuous. These actions can and do deepen us, for sure, and if we set off into the woods to be deepened, not different, then we are more likely to get found in authentic and lasting ways.  To be clear, I’m all for resolving to go deeper in the manner I just described. However, I’d recommend that we reframe that list as ways you feel lost now and where you’d like to be found in 2014 -- not just geographically, but in mind, body and spirit.

Woody Guthrie scrawled 33 resolutions by hand in January of 1943. (and the fact that his name is Woody is only a happy wondrous coincidence here!)  He calls then “rulins” and they cover the gamut from the reasonably doable to ambitious. Our own lists may even include some of Guthrie’s intentions. It starts with practical items and then morphs into the personal. 1. Work more and better; 8. write a song a day; 9. Shave and wear clean clothes – look good (later on, we have companion items to this – wear clean socks and take bath); 14. Listen to the radio a lot; 15. Learn people better; 17. Don’t get lonesome; 19, Keep hope machine running; 27. Help win war, beat facism; 31. Love everyone; 32. Make up your mind.” 
I wonder what 1944 was like for Woody and how many of these “rulins” he was able to manifest in his own journey into the woods and out again. It was the year he recorded This Land is Your Land, so #25. “Play and sing good” seems to have worked out. Dontcha just love 15. Learn people better? I do. I'm gonna adopt that one. 
I think Guthrie would resonate with my favorite personal mantras – “Small things often.” Did you notice that letterbox clues are doled out in small portions? Pink Cat instructs us: Facing the Braddock trail sign, go left down the hill; look for a solo standing tree; and walk 20 paces, and so on. Getting found in the forest of the world requires small things often, rather than big, sweeping , dramatic changes.

As some of you know, my 27-year-old son Sam is off in Barcelona, Spain,  living a vibrant existence of a chef, sommelier, food writer and culinary tour guide. I know, what’s not to like? Hm, perhaps the bohemian wages and cold, shared flat. Despite his joy in living life in Spanish, as he puts it, he recently confided to me that he feels imbalanced and a bit lost in the woods.

 I suggested crafting a life plan and he wrote one–admirable, but on review, it veered between too rigid and too vague. “ I will do yoga every morning; I will read everyday for 1 hour; I will tidy my room each morning…and later on, I will cook more often at home, I will not stay out so late.”

I reminded him – “Small things often,” dear boy.  And I say now: “Small things often,” dear congregation. Make your “getting found” list realistic and clear. Be kind to yourself. Don’t set yourself up to get even more lost through well-intentioned, but blurry trail markers, on  your one-of-a-kind journey in progress.

My colleague Victoria Safford navigates her own ongoing journey by paying attention to those moments when she had become lost and those when she had been found, primarily by allowing herself to be vulnerable, awake to life and to her location in the forest of the world.

“Here’s where I found my voice and chose to be brave.,” she confesses. “Here’s where I was once forgiven, was ready for once in my life to receive forgiveness, and to be transformed. Here’s a time, and here’s another, when I laid down my fear and walked right into it; Here’s where cruelty taught me something; Here’s where I was told that something was wrong with my eyes, and where I said, “Yes, I know, I walk in beauty.” And here and here and here and here…these are the landmarks of conversion.”

Safford models for us a willingness to be vulnerable. Getting found asks us to be vulnerable in allowing others to know us, vulnerable in  becoming visible and known to ourselves and to them, like a letterbox,  lifted from behind a tree stump and brought out into a dappled clearing.

How do you want to get found this year? How might you resolve to become deeper, not different? As you move along the trail, you’ll need to pay attention and you’ll need to leave clues – for yourself and for others, doled out in small portions, just beyond a fallen log or beneath an old stonework bridge. There, you will find what you seek.

What stamp, what impression, would you like to leave, hidden in plain sight for others to find, here and here and here and here,  in this forest of the world?

Amen.

©  2014 Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker. All rights reserved. Rev. Zucker and cited authors/sources may be quoted with proper attribution.

Praise It! A Sermon Towards Gratitude

“Praise It” A Sermon Towards Gratitude

Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker 

November 17, 2013

First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh (PA) 

In her poem, entitled “Otherwise,” the poet Jane Kenyon reflects on her blessings. She writes:

“I got out of bed on two strong legs. It might have been otherwise.

I ate cereal, sweet milk, and ripe, flawless peach. It might have been otherwise.

 I took the dog uphill to the birch wood. All morning I did the work I love.

At noon I lay down with my mate. It might have been otherwise.

We ate dinner together at a table with silver candlesticks. It might have been otherwise.

I slept in a bed in a room with paintings on the walls, and planned another day just like this day.

 But one day, I know, it will be otherwise.”

Kenyon wrote this poem in 1993, upon hearing her husband, Donald Hall’s cancer diagnosis. Ironically, it was Kenyon, not Hall, who died a year later from a fierce and swift onslaught of leukemia. “Otherwise,” came unexpectedly, with the sunrise one day, with no regard for the silver candlesticks, the paintings, the Birchwood, the flawless peach.

Even so, Jane Kenyon continued to pen grateful verses.  Life became “otherwise,” yet, the poet rested in the grace of her days, as surely as she rested in the arms of her husband at midday. In a poem written during her decline, entitled  “Twilight: After Haying,” Kenyon reflects that:

“Yes, long shadows go out

From the bales; and yes, the soul

Must part from the body:

What else could it do?

These things happen . . .the soul's bliss

And suffering are bound together

Like the grasses . . .

The last, sweet exhalations

Of timothy and vetch

Go out with the song of the bird;

the ravaged field

Grows wet with dew.”

I’m awestruck and humbled by the attitude of gratitude expressed in Kenyon’s reverie. I’ll call it “Otherwise-wisdom, or “other-wisdom” for short.  In her, I recognize a strain of what my colleague, Gary Smith, calls “thankfulness, absolutely.” 

That’s what I’m selling this morning—“thankfulness, absolutely.” It’s a variety of praise that exists beyond entitlement, beyond judgment, beyond “Why ME?”  A challenge to be sure, in that, we’re asked to embrace praise as ideology and life practice, rather than as a response to individual life events…good, bad, or otherwise. 

Given the savagely competitive society we’ve created and in which we live, many of us are lured, quite seductively, into the attitude of gratitude by comparison. We imagine life could be better or that we are entitled to have more than we do. If we are abused, living without basic needs, oppressed, or unfulfilled in destructive ways, then I would agree that life could and should be better, or “otherwise.”

For the most part, though, we live mostly middle class lives. We’ve got lots of “stuff.” We are primarily a middle class religion. And, despite the liberalism we typically espouse as Unitarian Universalists, I fret that our consumerist society has brainwashed us, too, into thinking we can acquire happiness or virtues like gratitude with our “Capital One” Platinum cards. What’s in your wallet?

This equation employs a suspect thanksgiving theology, distinctly anti-Universalist, which we encounter, chapter-and-verse, throughout Scripture. It makes us good doobies for “thanking we all our God,” because He, (She or It) anoints us deservedly with plenty, while inexplicably, allowing so many others to waste away in genuine famine, economic injustice, or oppression. Before we know it, entitlement becomes embedded like a splinter in the soft tissue of our privileged lives. More than a few analysts have connected the dots, for example, between US aggression in the world and our seemingly endless consumption.

My colleague Peter Fleck explains thanksgiving by comparison this way. He says it’s a kind of “food chain” praise which points out that at least the person in the next hospital bed is sicker than I am. It’s the kind of thanks that, when we read about that missing 11-year-old, we run and hug our child. The type of gratefulness, that when we read the police blotter, we’re relieved that our name has stayed out of it for another week. This is the moment when we utter the prayer, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

Is this so bad? After all, I look out on a congregation touched by grief and by grace; illness, death, despair, frustration, malaise, as well as good health, success, vitality, new possibilities. Shouldn’t we be thankful that life hasn’t gone horribly “otherwise” on us?

I’d argue that “other-wisdom” is truly wise when the comparison remains within the Universe of one’s own life.  It isn’t “I’m better off than so-and-so,” but rather acknowledging down to the bone that “it might be otherwise” and, in response, praising rather than judging, and cultivating  “thankfulness, absolutely” in each moment.

It’s not: “Sally down the street got out of bed on two legs stronger than mine, and I resent that;” Or, “Jim across the hall is more fulfilled in his work than I and its just not fair.” (Even if these observations hold some measure of truth) We spend far too much time resenting what’s missing, clinging to our entitlement and notions of cosmic fairness.

To meet a person who embodies “pure” gratitude is rare, isn’t it? Many folks  (and even felines like Mr. Pusskin from our children’s story this morning) don't truly appreciate what they have until it is gone. For some, having lost the opportunity to praise, they simply find another reason to be judgmental. 

With “other-wisdom” you’re better able to develop and maintain perspective; as in, “my life offers me some blessings, flawed as it is. At least for today, I have a ripe peach for my cereal, OR perhaps two strong legs, OR work that fulfills me,” OR some combination of these blessings. Other-wisdom” preaches that although things are not perfect in my own life, I am still grateful for what I have, what I can do. This praise practice can right-size your ambitions down to human scale. Tom Owen-Towle tells of a youngster who explained to him that “the seven wonders of the world are to touch and to taste and to see and to hear…and then to run and to laugh and to love.” Tom writes: “Now there’s a girl already awash with life’s palpable joy and splendor.”

To help us  grown-ups recover this simple gratitude, Greg Krech, a Zen Buddhist teacher, asks us to pursue a praise practice in three parts: Notice, Reflect, and Express. He observes, “The more I think I've earned something or deserve something, the less likely I am to feel grateful for it.”

“As long as I think I'm entitled to something I won't consider it a gift. But when I am humbled by my own mistakes or limitations, I am more likely to receive what I am given with gratitude and a true sense of appreciation for the giver as well as the gift.”Krech explains that, “To experience a sense of heartfelt gratitude, you must develop a practice. Without practice, there is no development of skill - only an idea. You cannot become a grateful person just by thinking that you want to be grateful.

Rather, we can develop a new habit of attention – to notice the concrete ways in which the world supports us each day. Then, we can embody a new habit of praise– expressing our gratitude to others. According to research, an added benefit of praising, by the way, is better health, better relationships, and a higher degree of life satisfaction.

So, will you start your practice today to Notice, Reflect, and  Express? Will you  praise it?

Of course, I want life to be blessed for each and every one of us gathered here in this Sanctuary, but I have no way of knowing what that might look like in real time, and neither do you.  In an Arlo and Janis comic strip, Arlo admits:  “I’m not thankful the azalea died...I’m not thankful for the interest we pay on our credit card. For everything else, I’m thankful!” “That was a strange sort of blessing,” says Janis.  To which Arlo responds, “Well, I figured it’d be a heck of a lot faster that way!” 

Is it realistic to expect Arlo to feel grateful for his dead azaleas? Of course not. Yet, he’s got it partially right. This human, finite existence is a package deal. The challenge resides in cultivating “other-wisdom,” thankfulness absolutely, and perspective, come what may. So, will you praise it?

Meg Barnhouse gives us a glimpse of this, too, in her amusing reflection that we heard earlier. I love her ideas for fortune cookies such as “Don’t try to improve yourself today” and “ Seven people love you madly,” and “They appreciate what you did,” and “You will see three beautiful things tomorrow,” and “You will figure something out two days from now.”  Oh, and my personal favorite: “The next two years are just for fun!”

I join in the chorus of her invitation that “together we can whisper peachy little perspective shifters into one another’s days. And I share her anticipation of the twinkle that might light up your eye as a result of elevating praise over judgment.

Have I mentioned yet how exceptionally hard it is to accomplish this Zen-like gratefulness? Oh, well let me do that right now. It’s tough!  Very tough. To be clear, I’m not suggested that we shouldn’t desire any adaptations in our lives. No suffering martyrs need apply.

What concerns me is when the script goes haywire and our lives veer off in unscripted directions, and we cry foul. Azaleas die on us. People die on us, too. Us! Characters we hadn’t anticipated enter stage left, while scenery from some zombie movie drops down behind us.

Being a good person is no guarantee. Just look around you. We are good people touched by triumphs and tragedies. Circumstances could certainly be “otherwise” in many of our lives, and we needn’t relish everything that happens to us. That would be impossible, and would require living entirely without ego, emotion, desire, or attachment to others.

In response, we can endeavor to Notice, Reflect and Express, mindful that the spiritual practice of praise is quietly pro-active, beyond either whining or boasting.  As we witness and experience life as co-creators on the planet, we are called again and again to acknowledge the amazing mix of pain and joy. The personal becomes the universal, and we perceive ourselves as part of a bigger picture beyond our own disappointments.

We might awaken to the connection between the despair in our individual lives and the larger suffering in the world in places like the Philippines or Haiti or in the next pew, or just a mile or so away in some of our more disadvantaged Pittsburgh neighborhoods. This recognition alone may blunt judgment and foster deeper gratitude. So, will you praise it?

Sometimes all we need is the right question to shift our perspective. My colleague Tom Disrud recounts a story about the writer Sue Bender and her husband.  In their early 60s,  they decided they needed to get their financial affairs in order and write a will and establish a living trust for their sons. They meet with a lawyer one bright November morning, and he asks them, "What would you like to do in case there’s an exploding turkey?" 

"Exploding turkey?" Bender asks. The lawyer continues: “What if the whole family was together at Thanksgiving and the turkey exploded? If the four of you were killed at that moment, who would you want to have your worldly goods?"

“At first, the question was a little unsettling and surreal for her. Perhaps it was the image of the bird blowing up in their dining room. But it later turned out to be quite fruitful. She writes that it made her think about what was most precious to her.  She writes that now, when she has a particularly difficult day, she makes what she calls a gratitude list. She writes down all those things she has been thankful for that day.” Naturally, I don’t wish for any of us to experience exploding turkeys two Thursdays hence, but I do hope we encounter surprises. A life of praise comes with intentionality and awareness.” 

Shakespeare put these words in the mouth of Henry IV: “O Lord, that lends me life, lend me a heart replete with thankfulness.” Shakespeare’s God is a Universal, life-giving God, who equates thankfulness with simply being alive.

 For all that is your life, will you unwrap a fortune cookie of “thankfulness, absolutely?” Fully aware that “it might be otherwise,” will you paint a thank you note on your palm -- for the Cannon towels, the two strong legs,  the respite at noontime, for the kettle boiling over, the chapel of eggs, the ravaged field grown wet with dew, the air-drying wishbone on Thanksgiving Eve?

“You will see three beautiful things tomorrow. “ Remember to notice, reflect, and express, and then utter that one all-purpose prayer from the depths of a grateful, hungering heart: “Thank you, thank you, thank you, for lending me this life… good, bad, or otherwise.”

So, will you praise it, and say “Amen?”

© 2013.  The Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker. All rights reserved.  The Rev. Zucker  and cited authors may be quoted with proper attribution.

We Are All Cracked Pots...and That's the Beauty of It.

On November 3, Hindus the world over will begin the annual celebration of Diwali, the festival of lights. Diwali involves the lighting of small clay lamps filled with oil to signify the triumph of good over evil. These lamps are kept on during the night and one's house is cleaned, both done in order to make Lakshmi, the goddess of abundance, feel welcome. Firecrackers are burst because it is believed that it drives away evil spirits. During Diwali, all the celebrants wear new clothes and share sweets and snacks with family members and friends. In honor of Diwali, I offer this Fable from India: 

A water bearer had two large pots, each hung on either end of a pole that he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.  

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the purpose for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to the house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," said the pot.

  The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path. "Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure. 

     The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my table. Without you being just the way you are, we would not have this beauty to grace our home."  Here ends the fable.

As we enter into the American holiday season, as well, please try to remember that each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. Don't be afraid of your flaws or unforgiving of the flaws you see in others. Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our vulnerability we might find our strength, and we can drive away  dark impulses by lighting lamps of self-care, self-love, gratitude and empathy for others. Happy Diwali, and may the spirit of Lakshmi visit you and bless you and yours with abundance. 

In faith,

Rev. Robin

The Answer is "Everything" - a sermon to celebrate a meaningful birthday, creative aging and embracing the 3rd Act with courage and optimism.

The cake we shared after the service on April 7..with purple forks.

The Answer is “Everything!”

Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker

First Unitarian Church of Pittsburgh

April 7, 2013

There was a woman named Helen who had been diagnosed with cancer and had been given 3 months to live. Her Doctor told her to start making preparations to die.  So she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what Scriptures she would like read, and what she wanted to be wearing.   The woman also told her pastor that she wanted to be buried with her   favorite bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

"There's one more thing,” she said excitedly.

"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important." The woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the woman not knowing quite what to say.

"That shocks you doesn't it?" The woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and functions where food was involved, my favorite part was when whoever was clearing away the dishes of the main course would lean over and say 'you can keep your fork.'  It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming.  When they told me to keep my fork, I knew that something great was about to be given to me. It wasn't Jell-O or pudding. You didn’t need a fork for that! It was chocolate cake or cherry pie. Something with substance. So I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?'  Then I want you to tell them: 'Be hopeful. Something better is coming, so keep your fork too."'

The pastor's eyes were welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman  good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her   before her death. But he also knew that Helen had a better grasp of life’s blessings than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty blue dress she was wearing and her favorite bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During the eulogy, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with Helen shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He said, “Keep your fork, and let it remind you oh so gently of Helen and that something good is surely coming.”

I love that story, and Helen, well, she is a great role model, isn’t she? This woman, facing death but embracing possibility, absolutely epitomizes optimism and faith. As a group, we Unitarian Universalists may not share Helen’s theology or her view of the afterlife, but like her, we are hopeful people.  And, in our midst, we have so many wonderful role models of strength and graceful, creative aging - remarkable women like Gen Mann and Christine Michaels, who shared their reflections about creative aging with us this morning.

These women are what I would call grounded optimists, and most of the time I am one, too - a real dyed-in-the-wool, half-full glass, triple layer-cake kind of gal.   That’s probably why I ended up becoming a Unitarian Universalist because this liberal faith of ours is essentially an optimistic faith. My message this morning is one of hope and optimism. Of course, it would be irresponsible of me to suggest that life; a truly human life is an either/or proposition. It isn't. Our lives and this world are composed of good news and bad news, controllable and uncontrollable forces, and a perfect life is an oxymoron.

Our human predicament is a little like this infamous lost cat ad found in England and posted on the Internet that I shared last January when I preached about perfectionism. It reads, "Lost cat -- old, mangy, one-eyed, limped, neutered, crippled. Answers to the name: "Lucky."  Life can be so like that. One day, it’s raining on our parade and the next, we've experienced a moment of splendor and a break in the clouds.  It's unpredictable -- triumph and tragedy, joy and sorrow, suffering and renewal.

I haven’t always been able to see or believe in life’s silver lining. In 1986, when I was 29, my vivacious lovely mother, Flora, died at age 55. It was heartbreaking and confusing to watch her suffer and deteriorate from a non-operable brain tumor. She had been looking forward to her own third act…becoming an interior decorator and adoring future grandchildren. Since then, I’ve come to realize how ill equipped I was, in so many ways, to cope with the magnitude of this loss.

Despite the many exceptional older women role models I’ve encountered these past 26 years, the one I lacked was the very one that could enable me to envision my own third act -- my own mother. Over the years, no matter how I tried, I simply could not picture myself as a woman beyond age 55. A friend suggested I have an age progression photo of myself done. I passed on that, but it was tempting. Anything to catch a glimpse of myself, silver-haired and etched with wisdom and a life fully lived; posing with grandchildren at high school graduations.

Then something stunning happened. I was enjoying a glass of wine after conducting a wedding in November 2010. It was the last wedding in a long season of weddings during which I had eaten my weight in hors d’ouevres.  My voice was raggedy and hoarse as I shared my weariness with an older guest seated at my table. 

She looked at me warmly with sparkling blue eyes and said, ”You need to take care of yourself, Reverend. You are going to live a long time.” I was dumbstruck. “How do you know that?,” I asked quietly. “Well, because I do,” she replied, her graceful smile framed by shiny silver hair. “Take care of yourself, you’re going to live a long time.”

This encounter caused me to examine how little confidence I had had in my longevity, and the ways that had impacted my daily wrestle match with life - How controlling I could be, how frantic I felt at time to get things accomplished, to see my children through milestones, to sustain normalcy.

I would hold my breath waiting for results from annual physicals and mammograms. At times, I worried that I was cursed and destined to repeat my mother’s karma.  I had trouble planning for old age because I didn’t have any tangible sense of it. Some days it felt like I was just tearing pages off a calendar in some doomsday countdown.

In 2011, I grew tired of this cycle. I made the decision to set a new course and embark on a new road, and I moved here, home to Pittsburgh.  Then, in April of 2012, I turned 55, the same age as my mother when she passed.  How could this be? It made no sense. I feel so young, so full of life. How could she have died at this age? I went to visit her grave on my birthday and read the inscription we had chosen: “Beautiful and Noble spirit” and the tragedy of her early demise took on a new dimension.

Later that day, I was out walking my dog, Kip, and  feeling a familiar  malaise  again – the old fear, the belief that the future had no shape and was too flimsy to grasp. And the question came to me, somewhat self-pitying, given all my relative blessings, “What can I look forward to?” The toxic chatterbox in my head was stirring up trouble again. “Nothing,” she sneered.  The loop began - I’m not partnered, I’m not sure what will happen in my ministry or career.  Really, what can I look forward to?” “Nothing.”

As I ambled along Mifflin Ave, crocuses were popping up through the spring soil, and a different voice (perhaps the voice of the wise wedding guest or the voice of my mother)  broke through the gremlin’s drone and said softly, “Everything, Robin. You can look forward to everything, if you choose to. Looking forward is a choice. Being willing to look forward to everything, come what may, is a decision that is open to you now, Robin.  The answer is “Everything.”

And it was like the sun had come out in my soul. I believed in that moment  that I was not my mother, that I was going to live a long time and that I had a choice. So I made it -- I would look up, look out, and look forward. We all throw around the idea of epiphanies and revelations - this felt like the real deal.

Buddha famously advised: “You must let go of the life you planned in order to embrace the life awaiting you.” That day, my 55^th birthday,  I loosened my death grip on mortality, and the future I had yearned has come to nestle in the open palm of my hand.

I am healthy, fit and feel more peaceful than I have ever felt. My children are functioning and happy.  My ministry here has flourished and grown. I cannot imagine my life without you, dear congregation. And, I met Michael, my beloved partner and we are envisioning an active, connected and vibrant future together.  The answer is “Everything.”

On April 18^th (in 11 days) I will turn 56. It seems like a small miracle to me. Through the dark days of aimlessness, I kept my fork and I’m so glad I did , as there will be cake, not just in coffee hour after the service (chocolate, by the way), but in all the quiet moments of grace, bright moments of joy and even in the dim moments of sorrow. The answer is “Everything.”

Our former UU president, Paul Carnes, echoes this view. "Life is so great a blessing,” he tells us, "that every tomorrow we project, every time we aspire or dream, every time we set our alarm clock in faith that the sun will set to rise again, we bear witness to our optimism." Every time we keep our fork, in other words, we "practice a resurrection" of sorts as we rise again and again in hopefulness.

Not surprisingly, it turns out that the key to staying healthy and living longer is attitude, essentially deciding you are not old and decrepit (despite any evidence to the contrary).  I’m not even sure what it even means to be old anymore. The humorist Bill Guest says you’ll know you’re old when, among other things, you wear a nametag as much or yourself as for others and happy hour is a nap.

Nevertheless, in an article for the Chicago Sun Times, Alexia Ruiz, quips that those of us lucky enough to grow old must contend with miserable stereotypes of what its like: the frailty, the forgetfulness and the early bird specials.”  Yet, in aging, as in many things, attitude can make all the difference and has a greater impact on health, happiness, and longevity than the date on our birth certificates. In a study at Harvard, psychologist Ellen Langer found that expectation, not biology, leads many older people to set physical and intellectual limits on themselves. Langer concluded: “They assume they’ll fall apart, so they let it happen. They pull the plug on learning, growing, deepening, and connecting. Decline becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

Through her research, Langer learned that men and women over 50 with more positive perceptions of aging, who are more willingness to accept the inevitability of aging (without denial), live nearly 8 years longer than those with negative attitudes. It turns out that faith, meditation, and belonging to a religious community like First Unitarian can lead to a longer and more fulfilling life, too – so stick around.  Langer writes: “The misery myth is one of the most pernicious myths, because when you think the future is really bleak you don’t plan. But when you think, ‘I’m going to be the coolest 80 year old who launches a line of hip clothing for old people, there is so much possibility.”

These findings conjure a memory of an elderly woman I came to admire in a previous ministry named Thelma. She was often known to proclaim, "This has been a perfect day!" It was her trademark phrase, even though she was nearly blind and crippled with arthritis. She used to say that all she needed was “a pinky full of hope.” In her case, a gnarled and throbbing pinky…but so much hope, faith and simple gratitude in that one small digit. 

Both Helen and Thelma would tell you that there is cake in all of it, all of life, even the hard parts. And neither of them would fib about death, either, because they accept that life is finite. Many forces in Western cultures have conditioned us to be afraid of this, to fear aging. We joke that 50 is the new 35, and although this may be truer than in previous generations, it will not stave off an eventual end time. 

We are poised, you and me, between then inevitable and the possible. And there is an alternative to fear and loathing – it’s using our finitude as a spur to live with courage and optimism, rather than with dread. To drink from a half-full glass. To proceed with what the theologian Paul Tillich calls "the courage to be" in the face of our finitude. To push life out of our inner tombs of pain, fear,  and disappointment.  To answer “Everything” to the question of what life might offer you or teach you.

I stand here, looking out on a congregation of people who have had their share of glories and regrets. Oh, I have too, and I ask myself: Would I live the same life? Do I have a do-over option? No.  Will the future be a proverbial bowl of cherries? Unlikely. No,  I am not looking forward to creaky limbs, forgetfulness, or gravity. But, in 11 days  I will be 56 (just sayin’)  and I am not going to wait until I’m 80 to don my purple hat to go out and have fun with the world.  As I approach this milestone birthday, I’m  elated to have what the actress Laura Linney calls “the privilege of aging.” And in some ways, I will be living this miraculous third act for two, for all the years, the decades, my mom never got. 

How about you? Can you answer “Everything” to some part of the future you have doubted or feared? None of us knows the future, yet we can only be open to it and bring our inherent UU optimism into that future, if we are not afraid of it's ugliness or unpredictability; and if we are not too cynical about its potential. Ironically, the story is often told that when we get to the gates of heaven, St. Peter will ask not what we hope for in the next life but whether we have lived this one to the fullest.

Along with Thelma and Helen, Christine and Gen, I encourage you to live and age as fully and creatively as possible, fork in one hand, half-full glass in the other, prepared for the worst, yet seeking the best; holding on to what is good without ignoring the heartbreak.

So,  keep your fork, even though we struggle some days to get out of bed. Keep your fork, even if you’re down to a pinky full of hope, and what is good often feels like its slipping through your fingers. Keep your fork even though optimists like Thelma and Helen die, too. Keep your fork and live your own “Everything” in this weary, wonderful world.

It has been said that "If a person gives up hope he has entered the gates of Hell, whether he knows it or not, and has left behind his own humanity."  So, keep your fork close at hand, and when people ask, “What’s with the fork?” tell them (and yourself): “I’m leaving room for cake.”

Amen.

© 2013 Rev. Robin Landerman Zucker. May be quoted with proper attribution to author and sources.